Interhash Rugby Match

Now as an official Interhash event, the Annual Southern Hemisphere Vs Northern Hemisphere Rugby Match has become an integral part of the Interhash weekend.Thanks to Pom, who will organise this Basically the rules of this bi-annual clash of the hash rugby titans are as in previous games.I have listed the games below to give Hashers who have not played before some reassurances that the game is meant to be a bit of fun, with injury risks minimised. I have also provided a very interesting Anthology. Besides the game, there will be heaps of icy cold beer and a few nibblies no doubt, and some sort of accolade for the winner….if we are all sober enough to receive any accolades.For all Hashers interested in playing for a bit of fun send me your name, Hash Club and shirt size.
Pom
Southern Hemisphere Captain
GM Rotorua HHH
roger.willard@apr.co.nz

Rules
As for the last previous games the rules are intended to ensure, as far as reasonably possible (given the clowns that turn up to play) that Hashers enjoy the match without getting crippled or terminated so that they can go onto whinge and moan their way through the rest of the Interhash weekend. We also have quite a few old farts, physical derelicts, mental deficients and hussies playing who don’t appreciate young bucks practicing for first 15 moves on them.

So the rules are basically a soft cock version of Golden Oldies rules so that nobody get killed, maimed, bullocks / tits kicked off, or simply a bit more stuffed than they would like to be, so:

  1. No poofters (this is still Hash after all)
  2. Persons of all normal sexes (but see rule 1) and ages may play.
  3. No pre-match warm up, training or coaching except on licensed premises.
  4. No girlie water bottles unless they contain quality grog.
  5. Free style drinking throughout the game.
  6. Random substitution when you least expect it.
  7. No limit to squad size, but only 15 on the paddock at any time, if the ref is checking, or 13 if Boulder Holder and her twins are playing
  8. Forwards can have a rest at the set scrums, no power scrums (that means no pushing – dummy) you win your own put in.
  9. No lifting in the line outs unless you are trying for a cunning use of Rule 10.
  10. Groping is allowed between sexes but see Rule no 1.
  11. The ref. will send off to the ‘Tin Bin’ assassins and those who even think of harming others, and definitely no fighting. The TMO will review any sexual molestation from all angles in slowmo and freeze frame (later in the evening -copies will be available on the Interweb thingy).
  12. Try to hard and / or run too far and the ref might blow up a penalty, if he is up with the play - which would be unlikely.
  13. No kicking anything including the ball, except one fly kick in loose play if you can’t think of anything better to do with the ball.
  14. No penalty kicks for goal, only tap and run, or tap and pass if you’re a bit stuffed.
  15. The game is played in up to 4 quarters, of 15 minutes each unless everyone gets knackered earlier in which case it is likely to end abruptly due to a lack of continued interest.
  16. There is no point in kicking for goal after tries, as the score is kept in number of touch downs not points. This is easier for the ref, half-witted forwards and the senile to keep track of events.

THE OFFICIAL ANTHOLOGY OF INTERHASH RUGBY
Re-written once again so as to continually distort the truth and thus improve the product, and we don’t have 2011 years to spare. So try this for size and ignore all previous versions.

Game 1 - Cardiff Arms Park 2004

The highlight of the entire bloody Welsh concrete bunker based Interhash 2004 debacle was the Hash Blacks footy match versus Wales played on Cardiff Arms Park. Here’s the full story, more or less.

What Kiwi in his right mind hasn’t wanted to kick the Welsh around Cardiff Arms Park? Well, OK a few hussies and poofdahs might not have done but at least a couple of Rotorua Hash thought there might have some mileage in challenging the Taffs to a game as a warm up to Interhash 2004. So Pom sent of a challenge to Interhash Mismanagement, Past Master replied and the rest is History as they say.
The Hash Blacks versus the Taffs game was on, well possibly, as communications were a bit vague to say the least, so we antipodeans decided to treat it like any other Hash event and expect a total debacle. It could only get better from then on. Yeah Right. I might add that it didn’t.

Next came the task of agreeing the rules, which were to be basically NZ Golden Oldies rules, although the bloody Pom’s thought they were too frivolous, buggered if I can see why:
The Original Rules
  1. No poofters
  2. Persons of all normal sexes (but see rule 1) and ages may play.
  3. No pre-match warm up, training or coaching except on licensed premises.
  4. No girlie water bottles unless they contain quality grog.
  5. Free style drinking throughout the game.
  6. Random substitution when you least expect it.
  7. No limit to squad size, but only 15 on the paddock if the ref is checking, or 13 if Boulder Holder and her twin girls are playing
  8. Forwards can have a rest at the set scrums, no power scrums (that means no pushing – dummy).
  9. No trying to kill people (see Rule 11) other than people who keep saying “Yaki Da”.
  10. Groping is allowed provided Rule no 1 applies.
  11. The ref. will send off assassins and people who try too hard, or look a bit suspect.
  12. No kicking, unless its wearing a red jersey and the ref isn’t looking.


We then set about selecting a team and having winners badges embroidered saying ‘Winners Hash Blacks v Taffs at Cardiff Arms Park”. History is what is writ. This proved to be a somewhat ominous start as we later found out that Cardiff Arms Park had been lost without trace, only the bloody Welsh could manage that.

Having selected a winning team we then had to settle for a squad that promised to turn up on the day provided the grog was free and it didn’t clash with sleeping off a hang over, the prospect of a shag, a brewery tour or something else more interesting.

THE ORIGINAL HASH BLACK SQUAD:
In order of self selection:

1
Pom
Utility Forward
(Rotorua HHH)
2
Xerox
Utility Back
(Rotorua HHH)
3
Bushlawyer
Hooker, if your desperate
(Rotorua HHH)
4
Bwana
Utility Back
(Rotorua HHH)
5
The General
Utility Back
(Rotorua HHH)
6
Short Planks
Utility Raconteur
(Rotorua HHH)
7
Daggy
Utility Misfit
(Christchurch HHH)
8
Pet Roll
Bloody Big Forward
(Whangarei HHH)
9
Tina Tuna
Token Maori
(Whangarei HHH)
10
Khamahl
Song Master
(Rotorua HHH)
11
B4
Haka Choreographer
(Rotorua HHH)
12
Boulder Holder
Props
(East Bay HHH)
13
Bubbles
Official picker up of shower soap
(Wellington HHH)
14
Sourpuss
Back in behind
(Wellington HHH)
15
DT
Back before you know it
(Wellington HHH)
16
The Worm
Utility winger
(North Shore HHH)
17
Phantom
Right bloody winger
(North Shore HHH)
18
Puff
Baggage Boy
(North Shore HHH)
19
Deepthroat
Boat Race Captain
(Wellington HHH)
20
Masterbaker
Name speaks for itself
(Nelson HHH)
21
Hornie
Misnomer
(Nelson HHH)
22
Dizzey
Goal keeper

THE ORIGINAL TAFFY SQUAD:
In order of self selection:
  1. Past Master
  2. A couple of Hashers, possibly
  3. Most of Cardiff High School Old Boys first team.
The Hash Blacks needed a little fine tuning so we thought, bugger the effort of squad training, let’s look the part instead, so instructions went out to wear pretend All Black strip with beanies optional but no girllie / softy scrum caps, plus lots of black electrical tape to hold serious looking medical problems together, plus one of those white mouth guards with a black bit in the middle to look like missing teeth, which if done right at least looks bizarre, if not a little scary to the Taffs or any abusive spectator that they might feel obliged to confront. Also advised was lots of Tiger Balm, grease, and athletic support for floppy bits, all to add to a professional appearance and give you something to adjust throughout the game. Players were advised that for that real hard woman touch - no shaving for two days before the game, not to shower or wipe their arse for two days before the game, and a slap up breakfast of baked beans and kippers wouldn’t go amiss.

And so the big day came, and we went looking for Cardiff Arms Park, only to find out that the match was to be played “a short way up the road” at the Diamond Ground, Whitchurch, which turned out to be closer to bloody Twickenham than it was to Cardiff. Plus we had to drag a sodding great sign all the way to the ground saying “Cardiff Arms Park” and plant it at the ground for photographic and accurate historic record purposes.

It was memorable that the ground was also Interhashes’ official camp ground. So there was more than the usual pre-match tension as we had to vigorously clear away several tents and tell happy campers to ‘fuck off’ and take it up with Past Master, which wouldn’t have been to bad if we hadn’t got the wrong paddock.

The Hash Blacks then soon found the changing sheds which being part of the Hash camp site were accompanied by overflowing festering bogs. Once changed we went out to warm up. Which was misguided to say the least, as it was just bloody stupid thing to do at 2pm on the hottest day in Welsh meteorological history.

Pre arrival at the venue it had looked as if the Hash Blacks would be playing the 'All Poms' or some sort of northern hemispherical mixed ethnic celt potpouri. However when we arrived at the venue there as no sign of the Hash Taffs. So we retired to the Cardiff High School Old Boys (CBSOB) bar which was conveniently located next to the match venue, to check that their grog supply wasn’t evaporating in the heat when most of CBSOB first team turned up (Recipients of complimentary Interhash passes we assumed) followed by a self assured looking Past Master who asked the ref to blow up for the start So the game commenced with half of our team still sampling the clubs grog supply. Past Master (Interhash Entertainments Mis-manager) officiated and as he was a Pom, and thus some sort of non Welsh Celt and therefore the nearest thing to a neutral referee. Not very near as it turned out.

And so the game commenced with the adjacent camp site also providing no shortage of abusive spectators and hecklers who no doubt thought that they would find some sort of solace for their trashed tents.

As there is no record of who played for the Taffs or what they did, just assume that they were there and getting in our bloody way, as the rest of this rant focuses purely on the immaculate play of the Hash Blacks who were impeccably turned out in their NZ Hash Black jerseys, except for Dame Edna who thought that she was playing for the fucking Harlequins - pity she bloody wasn’t. She seemed to cause a major blockage in our backline, much to our centre’s’s’ delight as they never had to worry about what to do with the ball, as they never got it. So apart from the odd panic when faced with a charging Welshman our centres Xerox, Bwana and The General had a fairly relaxed game, too bloody relaxed by all accounts.

Planx and Daggie managed to miss the pre match photo as they were delayed by a pub on the way to the ground. Daggie consequently never made it onto the pitch and instead settled for more light refreshments and a snooze in the sun. As expected Planks made a cameo appearance and rushed onto the paddock half way through the first half, and stood around a lot with both hands on his knees, but was soon overcome by the importance of the occasion and fucked off to check if his grog supply was safe with Daggie, only to emerge again towards the end of the second half having ensured that his grog was not at risk by drinking it all.

B4 lapped up the role of Hooker with considerable enthusiasm, which was just as well as she had to suffer 60 minutes of Bush Lawyer putting it in, which would test the patience of a saint as he had his usual difficulty with timing and keeping it straight.

We will not mention Bwana’s try even though it was the only one man effort during the entire bloody game. I don’t know how the geriatric Pom got hold of the sodding ball just short of the line, but the prick that gave it to him should be bloody shot. Talk about boring re-runs. The other try was the result of something between a maul and a ruck, more commonly called a fucking mess, so we have no idea who touched down if anyone did. Meanwhile the bloody Welsh kept running up the tries which could have spoilt the entire afternoon had it not been for the fact that we didn’t give a shit. And most were too pissed to keep count. The others didn’t have a clue what the rules were and were only vaguely aware of the point of the exercise—judging by the way they wandered around the paddock, I hesitate to say played, then wandered off for a drink and a piss alternatively throughout the game.

Xerox was running about in the middle of the back line, although I’m buggered if I can recall what he did. Afterwards he muttered something about being off his game as he had been Knickerless for weeks. The Pom had a brilliant game as a mobile spectator, somehow managing to avoid contact with the ball entirely and executing some stunning side steps in the face of charging Welshmen for most of the game.

Fuck it was hot.

The result goes without saying, and the Taffs took the cup home, and so on to Chiang Mai 2006 for a rematch.

Game 2 - Chiang Mai 2006

As before teams were organised with help from Interhash Mismanagement. I’m buggered if I can remember much else, and as for a team list, well apart from Past Master, Pom and what’s her name there is no record of who played (Complaints please, from the pissed off, to Past Master as official holder of the cup at this time).

Once again it was hotter than Pamela Anderson on heat, and cold showers were the order of the day for the faithful few with the majority of both teams getting stuck in Thai brothels and bars (fuck all difference in practice) on the way to the ground. Those of us with sufficient determination (ie. winging hussie in tow) made it to the ground although I can only recall wandering around some boys school looking for their footy pitch and moaning about the lack of bars and brothels to be found on the premises. I probably didn’t look hard enough.

Thus only the permanently baffled and a few lost tourists turned up for the game, most with no intention of moving a muscle unless the temperature dropped by at least around 20 degrees C. So the day started with a lot of spectators and no players, but sheer boredom and a fair bit of verbal abuse and false promises of free piss eventually lead to a shift of balance to a few players and bugger all spectators.

So as to avoid playing full-on bloody sevens with endless sprinting up and down the fucking paddock we elected to play across half of the pitch which thus became more crowded and thus involved more chance of coming across another player during the course of the game. Sides were picked school yard style with the most likely looking being chosen first and the feeble minded and fat bastards left to last.

The end result was more akin to slow motion Dubai sevens played by demented penguins that couldn’t cope with global warming. Pom and Past Master skippered the sides, such as they were, and spectators took it in turn at refing with the captains correcting most decisions as soon as they were made. This resulted in a what was a surprisingly spirited game, with Pom’s team (called the Hash Blacks for sentimental reasons, as there were bugger all Kiwis in the team) scoring the decisive try to take the cup back to New Zealand. So it was worth it, probably.

Fuck it was hot. What is it with Interhash Mismanagement scheduling games for the hottest time of day ?

So off to Perth 2008 with an all round determination to do it better.

Game 3 - Perth 2008

The motto for Interhash 2008 was “As Good As It Gets” which would have been the biggest misnomer in history had it not been for the footy. The Red Dress run was a total balls up and most of Interhash was a bit off colour much of the time, to say the least, but thanks to Sir Thomarse and Screwdriver the footy was brilliantly organised, well mostly, the paddock was a bit bloody rugged to say the least, being a cross between a cat litter box and Jeddah’s municipal cemetery complete with a metal manhole cover in the middle, but there was a marquee full of free piss on the side line which rapidly became the most densely populate place on earth.

This time the game had an officlal mention on the Interhash web site with contacts (guess who – yes Pom and Past Master) for interested players. It was wisely decided to increase the net for prospective players given the piss poor turnout in Chiang Mai and the fact that tight fisted Welsh Hashers were bloody unlikely fork out the cost of 400 Skull Attacks just to travel to a large island on the other side of the world that is comprised mostly of sand, flies, floods and things that will eat or kill you without a second thought.

So it was to be that the Northern Hemisphere versus the Southern Hemisphere idea was born, which, not unsurprisingly, gave the Aussies the opportunity to highjack the whole sodding event or at least the Hash Blacks team (if you are a Canadian neighbor of the US you will know the feeling). Thus, despite my best efforts to have strip that reflected the national mix of the Southern Hemisphere Team we got sponsored green and gold jerseys, which was destined to piss of at least two thirds of the team, although Sir Thomarse who was mismanaging the event said that the Kiwi’s could wear black if they want ! So are we to have a team wearing two different strips as a daft form of compromise. Dame Eda then got in the loop with an offer to provide us with black singlets and multi coloured shorts. So all was set for a comprehensive technicolour balls up, why fight it ?

So on the day, after an intensive half hour of removing broken bottles syringes, used condoms and other Assie souvenirs from the pitch, the SHI team strode proudly out onto the paddock half in black, half in green and gold, and half in whatever Dame Eda had dreamt up, which makes about as much sense as the mathematics of the situation. Christ it’s hard to please everyone.

Pre match thoughts were that it would be a complete fuck up on the day with the mighty Hash Blacks, now reduced to the SHI Team, kitted out to look like the bloody Harlequins on acid. Meanwhile the northern hemisphere team of Frogs, Taffs, Paddys, Jocks, assorted Wops, Yanks, Canadians (for want of a better name) were no doubt really chuffed to play in the Pom’s national colours.

A few team stats for the media:
The SHITs comprised
  • 34 starters with Dagy and The General looking to take an early shower, about 5 seconds after kick off in fact
  • 9 over or nearly 60 (were talking age not girth)
  • 6 hussies
  • 21 Kiwis, 11 Rotorua H3
  • 11 Aussies
  • 10 played before in Cardiff of Chiang Mai
  • 6 transplanted southern hemisphere Poms who changed sides in the 3rd quarter (that way you got two free jerseys)

No idea of the NHITs composition except that there were 16 of them at kick off and a bloody site less by the time we all gave up and went off to lay down in the shade.

Fuck it was even hotter, but the hosts put on masses of free piss so who cared. The best yet.

Game 4 – Kuching 2010

Plenty of official support this time, and that of Kuching Rugby Club, so all was set to be bloody cracker provided Interhash Mismanagement got the day right, and a later kick off at 4pm so that we would miss the heat of the day. Brilliant - well possibly. First of all the wrong day was advertised on the Interhash web site, then they pulled our sponsors as the entire Interhash organisation turned to custard.

Luckily ……………….. got back into the Interhash hot seat and helped with the Rugby and put me in touch with Kuching Rugby Club who proceeded to sort out the venue, grog supply and delivery of the teams jerseys. Not only that they were within walking distance of most of the hasher’s accommodation and the best bars in town.

After some correspondence the rules, anthology and other rugby bollocks got put back on the web site, and the game was scheduled for Friday afternoon at 4pm. Interest to play started to flow in and it was soon apparent that there would be a good turn out for the game.

So jerseys were designed. In consultation Pom and Past Master agreed that the colours of the original game would dominate the design, so we finished up with red (Wales) jerseys with white (England), dark blue (Scotland, France) and green (Ireland) hoops for the Northern Hemisphere, and Black (NZ), with gold (Oz), green (RSA), and light blue (Argentina) for the Southern Hemisphere. Or that was the theory, we forgot to allow for the possibility that the screen printer was colour blind or drunk, or both. But we did get the sizes right which was more than the Interhash Committee could manage.

So the big day came, with only 13 hashers having bothered to suggest that they might turn up for the game, and Kuching Rugby Club were saying, “well how much piss shall we get in” actually it was more like “’ow mush pish shulwe gerin” as they were usually about 5 pints into a session when ever I met with them. So being eternally optimistic I suggest that several hundred would turn up on the basis that now amount of piss can be ordered and it will never go to waste.

And so it came to pass. There as a mountain of piss, dozens of jerseys, a couple of derelicts sleeping off a hard night in the grandstand, the refs, and about 10 players at kick off time. Plus the Kuching Rugby Club committee getting a bit concerned that they might have to sell the club premises to pay for all the grog that was yet to be paid for.

And then the flood started, Friday afternoon at Interhash wasn’t offering much else and the masses turned up. We had a cast of thousands that included the flowing players:

SHITS
Pom, Slab, C-ya-Sax, Spiderman, Boulder Holder, Rigid, Sniffer, Gate Crasher, Two Shoes, Slab, Full Bottle, Discharge, Sex On, Orgy, Boobs, Thrust, Sooty, Foghorn, Thumbalina, Phantom, Abdul, Knoknob, Webmasterbater, Meat to please you, Phonker, Masterbates, Snackbar

NHITS
Q'nA, Saralegal, Gorf, Smoko, Erectile, Boots, Chuckney Hooker, Squeeze, Spider Man, Blue Balz, Golf, Pervert, QND, Grabber, Clitus, Homo, Nurse Ratshit

As usual at the start of the debacle the NHITS were down on numbers but soon became overwhelmed with extras as the fracas began to attract the attention of passing drunks on their way from the Soho bar. So there were several late bastards who’s names were not recorded as I began losing the plot about 6 beers into the first half.

REFS
Father, Macwhat, Susie Wong

And the grandstand filled up to over flowing with people everywhere. Brilliant !! was the only way to describe the event and the support it got. Kuching Rugby Club did us proud and made a fair bit of loot selling the grog, plus we sold the jerseys to the players and gave the proceeds to the club by way of a thank you. The club made more money in an afternoon than their entire years subs raise and it all went to support youth rugby in Kuching. Transport, boots and uniforms for the youngsters, and yes, guess what, their star youth player is a girl, say no more.

And so onto the match report.

Well somebody kicked off and everyone ran around a bit, and went off periodically for a tinnie (some by order of the ref). The number of would be players was such that it was hard to get back on again. The only way back on was to run on regardless, tackle one of your own team so hard that they felt obliged to go off for a rest, fuck it was hot.

Oh yeah the game result was a good draw for the SHITS, and what a start to Interhash.